Better Life Habits

No Phone Zone

For years I've been suggesting to clients -- and anyone else who will listen -- to use time in the car to think-- and to STAY OFF OF THE PHONE.  I'm not a fan of multitasking in most cases, and talking on the phone (or worse, texting) is a multitasking habit that can have, and has had, grave consequences.

Statistics show that being on the phone is akin to driving drunk. It reduces brain activity associated with driving by 37%. For those who say talking on the phone is the same as talking to a passenger, I politely disagree.

As you may know, in January Oprah launched her No Phone Zone campaign and today is officially No Phone Zone Day. Ideally, starting today people would forever stop texting and talking on the phone in the car. Is that likely? No.

Some thoughts and steps in the right direction...

• Never text and drive. Never. Don't read texts. Don't write texts. If you've done it in the past and escaped any negative consequences, consider yourself lucky and know that luck will run out.
• Business-people are busier than ever and I hear almost every day that if time in the car isn't used to make phone calls there is no way that sufficient work can get done. So if you feel you must continue to conduct business from your car, at least vow to use voice dialing and hands-free equipment. Even that is not ideal, but it's a step.
• Consider where you are when you are on the phone. It's astounding seeing parents on the phone in the car line at school during drop-off and pick-up times. What does it say to a child that whoever is on the phone is more important than being in the moment to wish them a good day or to give them full attention greeting them at the end of the day? And, moreover, kids model parent's behavior. It's hypocritical for parents to scold or be surprised if their new teenage driver takes on the bad phone habits learned from years of watching their parents do the same.
• How important is the call? If something tragic happened and you had to tell the story about why you were on the phone at that time, how would you feel? Even if all that happened is that you wreck your own car -- no injuries -- how mad would you be at yourself?
• Almost every day I hear people lament about how busy life is. How there's barely a moment to relax on this giant hamster wheel of life. Well, the world isn't going to slow down for us so we have to proactively take back control of our own time and set boundaries. You want some quiet time? Make your car a No Phone Zone.
• Visit www.nophonezone.com to read sobering statistics, find out about resources to help you make a shift in your phone habits, and to take the No Phone Zone pledge. 

Do your non-verbals match your words?

While on vacation I went for a run in unfamiliar territory. A residential area, at one point I was charged by two barking dogs. Now I've never met a dog I didn't like so instead of being afraid, I stopped and tried to make friends. I started talking to the dogs in a sweet sing-songy (probably annoying-to-humans) voice and at the same time raised my hands up by my shoulders to show I was no threat.

Until it occurred to me that dogs, not being as familiar with armed robbery as humans, may have interpreted my raised hands as an attack posture instead of a submissive one. Despite the friendly words I was saying, the visual told them I was menace. Duh.

(At that point the owner called the dogs, who trotted into the house and I went on my way.)

How many times is our body language a mismatch with the words we're saying or the image we're trying to project? Any of these sound familiar?

• Networking to "build relationships" and instead of giving full focus on the current conversation, scanning the room for other people to meet.
• Assuring the other person you are listening, but continuing to check messages or text.
• Taking phone calls during meetings or meals.
• Saying "I agree" or "I accept your apology" while standing with your arms crossed across your stomach.

As with most other stuff I write about, I'm as guilty as the next guy of doing these things occasionally. And when I do, the offense is with people I know well and so think I can get away with it. Awareness and focus are mandatory in order to stop the behavior, so I'm focusing on being aware.

I'm curious if you have other examples. If so, share!

Get better at anything with practice and patience.

My son had to do a presentation on germs today. He's 10...and 3/4. Understandably, he was nervous so we did some practicing last night. We talked about how Olympic athletes probably get nervous before they compete, but because they have practiced what they are about to do so many times, they can also can feel confident that they can deliver their best when they need to.

I was telling this same story to my coach, Lynn Erlinger, this morning. Further along during the call we talked about how I'd done with meeting all the goals I'd put in place for myself for the last week. Some goals were met and other not, and as people tend to do, my focus was on what I hadn't accomplished.

Lynn suggested that I "lean into" meeting those goals rather than expect 100% from the start. Just like my son, I need to practice doing the behaviors and each week I'll get better and better at doing them and feel more and more confident that I will do what I want to do when I need to do it.

Patience. While I wouldn't dream of expecting 100% perfection from my clients, I wasn't allowing myself the same grace. My clients will often say they feel like they shouldn't need someone like me to help them change the behaviors they want to change. They know what to do, they just simply need to do it. I could say the same thing about having a coach myself. But having someone in my corner to provide a new perspective, bolster me when I'm flagging, problem solve, and hold me accountable makes all the difference in how much success I achieve relative to my goals and how I feel about the journey.

Today Lynn reminded me about being patient with myself. So if you need to be patient with yourself, here's your reminder.

Lessons From a Broken Wrist

January 20th I broke my wrist. Got clocked from behind by a worse ice skater than me. I'm on the mend and the experience has left me just a bit wiser about a few things.

1. Being brave is overrated. For many of us our first reaction to an injury is often "No. I'm fine. I'll be OK." Which is what I was saying while I was unable to get up off of the ice and while I was grimacing in pain at the side of the rink. How dumb was that? You don't get any points for being brave. What you also don't get is help. Fortunately for me a few friends there ignored my words and stepped in to get an ice pack, offered to help me get my son home, and took a quick look at my arms and advised a trip to the ER.
2. Same advice as above goes for deciding to forgo pain medications and tough it out. Failure to get adequate sleep, which is what pain meds can help avoid, will affect your state of mind and therefore your healing. Stay ahead of the pain and get your rest.
3. Glad Press & Seal does a pretty good job of protecting your limb in the shower. Using it you still need to keep the limb out of the direct stream of water, but it will keep your cast from getting wet from the spray.
4. I never realized that pins used to stabilize the bone during healing actually PROTRUDE FROM THE SKIN. Ugh. I can't even put into words how creeped out I was by that whole thing. And I was paralyzed with fear about the removal process, which is done in the office. Turns out it wasn't so bad. Much ado about very little. If it ever happens to you, now you know.
5. Regarding the above, I had a few minutes to wait in the doctor's office and as my anxiety mounted I knew I had to get out of my own head. In those few minutes I texted supportive messages to a number of people that I knew were going through medical or family challenges of their own. As crummy as my situation felt at the time, putting it in perspective helped. I want to remember that in the future.
6. This last one was not a new lesson, but an affirming one. People are truly kind. Folks brought food for me and my family, sent flowers, gave me rides to medical appointments, tied my running shoes, walked with me when I couldn't run, loaned me a really great sling, sent encouraging notes and emails, and gave me hugs -- which was one of the most appreciated things of all.

So. Who is living the fairy tale?

Over the holidays I read the biography of Grace Kelly. She died  25 years ago and while I knew a little about her -- beautiful, accomplished actress, princess, mother -- I knew very little of her back story. The media spotlight on Princess Diana and her sister-in-law, the Duchess of York, had done enough to make even most of us die-hard romantics realize that fairy tales really are just that. But before I read the book I thought Princess Grace probably had it pretty good.

The outside picture was of a child of privilege who turned into a stunning, Oscar-winning actress who became a beloved Princess and wanted for nothing.

Hoo boy was I wrong. Overbearing, verbally-abusive parents, seriously troubled siblings, a serially poor chooser of men, a strained marriage, willful children (in their youth), and a chronic sadness about abandoning the acting career she loved. being a Princess was not at all what she had assumed.

I've looked at acquaintances in a room or an office and thought, "Wow. They've really got it all." The problem with assuming that about people is that then we also set up expectations for how they should behave based on the imaginary life we've constructed for them. And when they don't behave that way we can pass inaccurate judgments about them.

Often we never know enough about another person to know what they are grappling with on a daily basis. Maybe the best plan is to assume that like ourselves, everyone is dealing with something challenging and so with open hearts and minds, we decide to support them in whatever way we can. Even if that support takes the form of simply choosing not to judge.

Put into practice it has sweeping ramifications on our daily interactions.

News Flash: Just complaining is not productive.

Arguably, if one is of that mindset, there is much that can be complained about. Globally, nationally (regardless of who is elected), in the office, in the home. If someone wants to complain they will most assuredly find something to complain about and just as likely collect others who will jump on the grousing bandwagon.

So the question I ask of complainers is, what are your going to DO about it? Complaining is easy, requires no training and little imagination. It also erodes productivity. It wastes time, brings everyone down and does nothing to change the situation.

I've been in a couple of negatively charged situations recently where I wanted to jump out of my chair and flee from the room. Stop with the complaining already!

Make it a habit to be a part of the solution. If you don't know what the solution should be, all the better. Engage people in thoughtful, reasonable discussion. Don't assume everyone within earshot agrees with your complaints. Learn about different ways of looking at issues and situations. Devise a plan - whether you hope to make an incidental or significant impact - to do something to change what inspires you to complain.

Whew. I feel better now.

More later.

A routine is easier to create than a habit.

Many of us would like to have better habits around any number of ways of being. Sleep habits, eating habits, time management habits, or exercise habits. Why is it so hard to create a new habit? Maybe it's in the very definition of the word.

"Habit: an automatic pattern of behavior in reaction to a specific situation; may be inherited or acquired through frequent repetition."

"Automatic" infers that this behavior simply happens without even giving it a thought. It's quite likely that you have some habits that are ingrained. Putting on a seat belt perhaps, or your work commute. You don't think about it, it just happens. In fact I'll bet you've had times when you pulled into the garage and for the life of you couldn't remember even making the drive home. Habit.

But how long did you have to do those things before they became automatic? A month? A year? Longer?

The last words of that definition "acquired through frequent repetition" provide important insight. In order to develop a habit, first focus on creating a routine. Routine is an "unvarying method or procedure" allowing you to move forward without having to make lots of decisions. Repeat the same routine everyday and at some point you may just develop a habit.

Some activities are perfect opportunities to develop a routine. Getting ready in the morning, planning your workday, shopping for groceries, etc. Tomorrow I'll lay out a simple plan for creating routines for, well, routine tasks. See you then.

Sweet sweet success!

 The first of May I committed to giving up sugar (cookies, candy, cake, pie, ice cream, and the like) for 30 days. Last night at 10:00 p.m. that goal was accomplished. Big deal? Maybe not, but I learned a few things along the way that relate to making other kinds of changes. Changes that many of us struggle with as we try to create new and better habits.

It was a very small change. I know that sugar is hidden in a lot of things and I didn't start reading every label to make certain no sugar of any kind was in the ingredients. I cut out the obvious stuff like what is mentioned above. Also, no stealing bowls of my son's Lucky Charms. Though they are not technically a dessert, calling them anything other than a "sweet" would be pushing it. So it was a manageable change, not something that was going to require massive amounts of new behavior. If you have a new habit you want to create, start very small.

I had good substitutes readily available. I ate more than my fair share of grapes, apples, oranges, and berries -- all natural alternatives to sweets. When temptation hits have a plan for how you are going to address it. In this case I just needed to grab for an alternative sweet. If you are trying to eat more vegetables, have prepared ones ready. If you are trying to stop procrastinating, have one small task you can complete quickly to get yourself in motion.

I had good people around me when I started to weaken. On two occasions I almost caved but one time I had a friend, Terry Honeyball, to talk me out of that unbelievably delicious-looking piece of cake and another time my brother Kevin coached me through a rough spot. It's really important to have people around who will help you when your own resolve starts to wane.

People who tempted me earned my contempt (at least in the short term). When people said "this doesn't really count as a sweet" or "I won't tell anyone you had this one bite" it made me realize that tempting me was more about them than me. If I failed at it, perhaps they could feel better about their own doubts about themselves. So I'm rather joking when I say they earned my contempt, but it did strengthen my resolve. Do not listen to the people who say you'll fail or follow those who want to put you on that path.

The goal had an end. 30 days was difficult but do-able. Sure it was all or nothing but it was only for 30 days. Starting out telling yourself you are making a change "forever" is so daunting. Even saying you'll make the change for a year is overwhelming. Look at how many New Years Resolutions fail! Small steps will get you where you want to be.

Focus.  On one occasion I literally had to tell myself every few minutes to "avoid the ice cream for just the next minute." It looked so good!! Focusing on the goal, (I was 10 days into it at the time and didn't want to start over) made the difference. Get quiet and focus. Clear your head and focus. Breathe and focus.

30 days is enough time for something to become a habit. Even though I plan to eat sweets again, I doubt I'll go back to the mindless munching that prompted this effort in the first place. My brain is different and therefore my habit is different.

Whatever it is you want to accomplish, you can do it. When I look back, it doesn't seem like it was such a long time. The time went by and soon the goal was met. The next 30 days is going to fly by whether you choose to spend it changing a habit or not. But how cool would it be if you could share your success story on July 1st?!

Breaking the Sugar (or any other) Habit

Friday, May 1 at 10:00 p.m. I decided to give up sugar. I had just raided my son's gallon Ziploc bag and downed a few Smarties and some Hershey's kisses. There may have been more but I stopped paying attention to the wrappers. And the fact that I was doing that very thing at that time of the night was the reason I decided I had to lay off the stuff. Partially for health reasons and partially just to see if I can.

So it's been 10 days and I haven't stumbled once. Not even an Atomic Fireball. I think I know why it's working and I believe that these same ideas can help a person work on changing other habits.

• Set a time limit. Mine is 30 days. Then, if I want to, I can go back to eating whatever I want. Saying that this is a forever decision is too daunting. I'm just doing it for now.

• Take one challenge at a time. Yesterday at my mom's celebrating Mother's Day she had an ice cream sundae bar. I REALLY wanted some ice cream with caramel sauce. But I took it one minute at a time. I got a really good cup of coffee and savored it. Just one minute at a time the decision was made not to have the ice cream. Pretty soon it was being put away and the temptation was gone. When you're challenged, break temptation down into the smallest possible successes and build on it.

• Make it reasonable. In this case giving up sugar means cookies, candy, cake, pie, cinnamon bread, ice cream and the like. Fake sugar is also banned for the time being. However I have consumed food where sugar is an ingredient -- like in prepared spaghetti sauce. I had a couple of margaritas at a party and I'm sure there is sugar in that mix. The list of things I'm giving up is easy to manage and do-able, it's not over the top. Striving for perfection can lead to an all or nothing way of thinking. "I had a margarita so I may as well eat that sleeve of Thin Mints." Start small and manageable.

• Tell someone about your effort. People who believe in you will help you succeed. People who don't believe you can do it will inspire you to prove them wrong!

These strategies also work if you're trying to create a new habit, like starting to exercise program, or getting better organized. If you try them, I'd like to hear how these strategies work for you. And if you have others post them here.

We teach what we allow

I have three dogs. Or I should say "we" have three dogs. I hardly want to be held solely accountable for the canine insanity and vet bills around here. All three were rescued somehow and one of them has issues. You could call it small dog complex, or abundance issues, whatever you want. But a few months ago it started to get serious. I've included a picture of him here so you can assess his scariness yourself. He weighs 11 pounds.

Ivan the Terrible is his name, and yes, we do feel somewhat responsible for creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by naming him that. But his original name was Taco, so can you blame us?

Awhile back he started to growl and nip and even bite. I've had dogs my entire life and never had one that would do this. It's scary and disturbing. I'm strongly against ditching a dog for behavior issues unless there is no alternative and I knew there had to be something we could do.

So I started watching Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, in the hopes that I could learn how to tame the beast. I've long held that dog training is not about training the dog, but about training the human how to handle the dog.

In watching Cesar I learned a lot more than I expected. Though I could go on for pages about how much smarter my family is getting about our dogs, I strive to keep these posts short so I'll get to the point.

When Ivan growled and bared his teeth I (and everyone else in the family) would retreat -- quickly. I learned that what this taught Ivan is that he is the pack leader and the humans in the house will bow to his will. Without realizing it we were making the problem worse by allowing him to win. Cesar taught me that when Ivan growls, I need to hold him firmly by the scruff of the neck, my fingers mimicking the hold his mother would have on him with her mouth. I cannot back down until he stops growling and submits to me. Only then am I the pack leader.

So how in the heck does this translate to productivity in the workplace and habits?

Think about someone you know who makes it difficult to work with them. Every time you ask them to do something for you they "growl" at you or otherwise make it very unpleasant to be around them. Our tendency is to get away as quickly as possible and avoid contact with that person in the future -- even if that means doing their job yourself. Just like Ivan, what we're teaching them is that their growling will get the result of making you go away and lessening their workload while increasing yours.

If you run into this situation I don't suggest grabbing that person by the scruff of the neck until they submit -- unless you have a job as wrestler -- but I do suggest standing up to that person in an assertive but non-confrontational way.

When they cop that attitude with you, simply explain that this interaction makes you feel unwelcome, and what can you do to avoid that feeling the future. Notice that I'm not suggesting that you tell the other person what they're doing wrong or backing them into a corner. Just stand your ground with professionalism and kindness. State your request in a manner that it allows them to work with you in a collaborative way to make things work better for both of you.

As with Ivan, I can't promise that one encounter handled the new way will fix things forever. It may take a few tries. But in the long run it's better than having to send your co-worker to the pound.